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Caregiver Guilt
Published by Chapster on 2002/12/20 (1078 reads)
Caregiver Guilt
Recorded in The KEOM 88.5 FM studios in Mesquite Texas
December 20, 2002
Q: So what are we talking about today, Mike?
A: Today, I thought we'd talk about the guilt that is a very common experience for those who are caregivers. Those who work professionally caring for the elderly often hear adult children say things like, "I promised mom that I'd never allow her to go into a nursing home," or, "I'm here at the nursing home twice a day to be with my husband. Then, when I go to leave, he still complains that I don't care about him. He says I don't love him. I don't know what to do." The guilt felt by caregivers is often just devastating. They drive themselves to work harder to decrease the guilt and find themselves with even less emotional resources.
Q: Is that one of the main issues, emotional resources?
A: Absolutely! But, it goes even further. We have a limited stock of emotional, spiritual, and physical resources. Plus, these inner resources are dependent on each other: when we are drained physically, we may become more irritable; when we are drained emotionally, we will also just feel more physically tired. In addition, research has shown very clear links between the state of one's emotions and the well-being of our immune and other body systems. The point here is that caregiving can lead to a vicious circle of ever-decreasing personal resources. It's not unusual to have the spouse of a nursing home resident become quite ill herself as a result of the demands of caregiving.
Q: What can caregivers do to help themselves with the guilt and demands they feel are placed on them?
A: A counselor once defined guilt as an alarm, a signal that something is wrong that needs attention. That definition helps me. We get stuck in a bad place when we become driven by the guilt or the alarm rather than taking concrete steps to deal with why the alarm is going off. So, for instance, if we promised mom that we'd never send her to the nursing home, and it's become obvious to us that there is no other realistic choice, then we may need to sit down and honestly explain that we love her and had the best motives and intentions, but we don't have the resources to care for her at home. We can then make sincere efforts to get the best care and ensure that we create the best environment possible for her.
Q: Aren't expectations part of the problem, too?
A: Yes. We hold ourselves to expectations that are often impossible to meet. Indeed, caregivers might ask a medial professional for their realistic appraisal of the options. Which leads to another facet of this issue. Caregivers might benefit from reminding themselves what they are trying to do for their loved one. The guilt a caregiver feels is often directly proportional to a sense of love and devotion. Mrs. Smith would do anything for her husband. She loves him. But right now, with him being in the nursing home and demanding her presence all day long, she's just exhausted, she hasn't been able to pay attention to the bills, and she hasn't gone to church in months. She has nothing to give, and she even finds herself becoming deeply irritated with him, not to mention the increasing physical fatigue. It may help for her to remember that only by stepping away more frequently and taking care of herself, will she have anything to offer when she is there.
Perhaps most importantly, the reason guilt plays such a part in caregiving is because we want the best for another. If we can remind ourselves that this is our motive, then maybe we can turn off some of the feeling of guilt.
Recorded in The KEOM 88.5 FM studios in Mesquite Texas
December 20, 2002
Q: So what are we talking about today, Mike?
A: Today, I thought we'd talk about the guilt that is a very common experience for those who are caregivers. Those who work professionally caring for the elderly often hear adult children say things like, "I promised mom that I'd never allow her to go into a nursing home," or, "I'm here at the nursing home twice a day to be with my husband. Then, when I go to leave, he still complains that I don't care about him. He says I don't love him. I don't know what to do." The guilt felt by caregivers is often just devastating. They drive themselves to work harder to decrease the guilt and find themselves with even less emotional resources.
Q: Is that one of the main issues, emotional resources?
A: Absolutely! But, it goes even further. We have a limited stock of emotional, spiritual, and physical resources. Plus, these inner resources are dependent on each other: when we are drained physically, we may become more irritable; when we are drained emotionally, we will also just feel more physically tired. In addition, research has shown very clear links between the state of one's emotions and the well-being of our immune and other body systems. The point here is that caregiving can lead to a vicious circle of ever-decreasing personal resources. It's not unusual to have the spouse of a nursing home resident become quite ill herself as a result of the demands of caregiving.
Q: What can caregivers do to help themselves with the guilt and demands they feel are placed on them?
A: A counselor once defined guilt as an alarm, a signal that something is wrong that needs attention. That definition helps me. We get stuck in a bad place when we become driven by the guilt or the alarm rather than taking concrete steps to deal with why the alarm is going off. So, for instance, if we promised mom that we'd never send her to the nursing home, and it's become obvious to us that there is no other realistic choice, then we may need to sit down and honestly explain that we love her and had the best motives and intentions, but we don't have the resources to care for her at home. We can then make sincere efforts to get the best care and ensure that we create the best environment possible for her.
Q: Aren't expectations part of the problem, too?
A: Yes. We hold ourselves to expectations that are often impossible to meet. Indeed, caregivers might ask a medial professional for their realistic appraisal of the options. Which leads to another facet of this issue. Caregivers might benefit from reminding themselves what they are trying to do for their loved one. The guilt a caregiver feels is often directly proportional to a sense of love and devotion. Mrs. Smith would do anything for her husband. She loves him. But right now, with him being in the nursing home and demanding her presence all day long, she's just exhausted, she hasn't been able to pay attention to the bills, and she hasn't gone to church in months. She has nothing to give, and she even finds herself becoming deeply irritated with him, not to mention the increasing physical fatigue. It may help for her to remember that only by stepping away more frequently and taking care of herself, will she have anything to offer when she is there.
Perhaps most importantly, the reason guilt plays such a part in caregiving is because we want the best for another. If we can remind ourselves that this is our motive, then maybe we can turn off some of the feeling of guilt.
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