grief over losing a spouse, or beginning dementia?

Not sure of this subject, but I couldn't find any info anywhere else. My mom died about 8 months ago, my dad is 83, decent health, but his grief is substantial. (they were married 62 yrs.) Recently, I have noticed forgetfulness, also he says he "talks" with my mom, which I understand, I also am a widow, however, he says when he does he doesn't understand why she doesn't talk back. He knows she is gone, this bothers me. any thots?

First, Sueh, I'm saddened to learn of your loss. My heart goes out ot you.

I think you have raised a good question, but I fear it may not have an easy answer. When we lose a spouse after a long life together, our entire world is upset. Indeed, Thomas Attig in the book, Relearning the World, exactly describes it so. It may be that your dad's world has been so utterly reshaped that he has little grounding upon which to assess that which is real.

What further complicates matters is that a significant percentage of spouses report seeing their loved one after the death. It is NOT unusual. Nor is it unusual for the spouse to not talk back. Indeed, it is arguable that whatever the source of these apparitions (psychological or paranormal), the point of them is to help the survivor come to terms with the loved one's departure. As a hospice chaplain for twelve years, I encouraged people who had these experiences to explore them, to try and grasp their meaning to them. I would exercise caution, as I'm sure you are, in minimizing these experiences. In dreams or waking life - or both - he's just trying to process his loss.

One other note is this: Loss affects memory, digestion, immunity, capacity to enjoy life, awareness of surroundings, sleep, dream life, and truly every other aspect of life. We really are re-learning the world.

Having said all that, there is yet another caveat to the situation as you have presented it. Often, where one spouse has dementia, the other spouse covers for the demented spouse through a unique pattern of interference, practices, etc. that others might not see. Then when the spouse who does not have dementia dies, the behaviors that are common symptoms of dementia become obvious to everyone because mom is no longer there to remind dad that he forgot to put on his pants (and I'm not trying to be funny in the least in saying this). My mom really covered for my recently deceased dad pretty well: None of us realized how well. So, it could be that you're picking up on things that have been there for a while but are only now obvious. Or, not...

In any case, I would not become too alarmed. I would give your Dad time to adapt to what he is going through. If, after several months, he is still going through these experiences, I would take him in for a physical. If he worsens or becomes depressed, I would jump in even sooner. That's all I can think of at the moment. I'll post more as I have other thoughts.

We wish you well.

Mike and Barb Davis

Thank you for your response. I was home (I live about 2 hours away from Dad), this weekend, noting that Dad, again, was confused. However, he reverts back to "normalcy". He mourns the loss of my mother, and his two sons do nothing to help ie: see him, talk to him, and he says now I have lost my boys. I have talked to both brothers, and they just get angry with me and do less, if that is possible. I encourage Dad to get out, to talk to people, to go to church. He does not want to do these things. He has had a check up at the doctor's office, the doc put him on Xanax.. a small dosage and mg. to help him through this grief. I am concerned about the confusion, and the enormous amount of grief, however, I did lose my husband 7 years ago and I do remember how terrible the grief was. I thank you for your response it was most helpful to me.

Hi Sue -
Does your Dad live by himself? Does he have any neighbors who can check in on him or maybe just call him periodically to say "hi"? He may become more isolated as time goes by because he really doesn't feel like going out or doing much with other people - which is completely understandable but this scenario then oftentimes leads to more isolation and more problems with health.

Hopefully, the medication will help him through this time. It's important that he does take his meds as he's supposed to so that the medication can be effective. It's just hard, sometimes, for a person in grief to take good care of themselves, such as being sure to eat, take meds, etc. You may just encourage your Dad to be sure that he does take his medication because it's important to you that he does take care of himself. Maybe a pill box that is filled for each day of the week would be a good way to remind him to take his meds each day as well as allow you to easily check that box if he is not!

Also, if his confusion or memory loss becomes worse or you are noticing it more consistently, you may want to take your Dad to a geriatric physician or neurologist to be tested for a dementia such as Alzheimer's disease. If he does have AD, the medications available for AD may help him slightly with memory and focus as well as mood. It's just hard right now to weed through whether it is grief that is causing his cognitive issues or more . . . however, after some time, it may become more obvious to all that your Dad has more than grief affecting him.

I'm sure it's hard to be the only caregiver for your Dad right now and sad that your brothers won't help you help him - unfortunately, this happens all too often in families where one adult child becomes the only caregiver. Maybe your Dad can move closer to where you live to make that commute a little easier for you. Please take care of yourself during this time and let us know how things are coming along with your Dad.
You'll be in our thoughts . . . Barb Davis

My mom is going through the same thing, and I'm not sure she's going to pull out. She's 86 with dementia. Dad "covered" for her pretty well until his recent stroke and our loss of him this past Christmas. I visit weekly with our dog. Just a thought: if you have a pet or have access to one, this is the most joy I see her experience-- having an animal around. Maybe your dad would benefit. Or even if he could take care of a small pet on his own. Not sure if it would work in his circumstances, but old folks do seem to get some comfort from animals.

God bless -- others are going through similar trials! :(

Jean:

I was saddened to red about your loss this past Christmas and the heartache of seeing your mother struggle with dementia. I am so glad you visit with your dog. We use dog therapy at my hospital two days a week and its amazing the connections that people - even people with late-stage dementia - can make with a dog. A short article was recently written in our health care system's magazine (though not yet in the mail) about that special connection between dogs and us humans.

Again, we offer you our condolences and prayers for yo and your mom...

Mike Davis