Re: my dad's grief over losing a spouse, or beginning dementia?

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Rona 

none Re: my dad's grief over losing a spouse, or beginning dementia?

Hi, my Mother died a year ago. I am the eldest, a daughter,and therefore the main child (of 6) who has helped or cared for my parents for the last 40+ years. My parent's marriage was supremely dysfunctional, which I discerned as a 6-year-old child (but didn't know the word for it then). My dad was always jealous that my Mother & I had a closeness. I cared for her for the last couple of weeks of her life & death(cancer), moving in to their home for the last 8 days and working with Hospice, etc. My dad has had NO grief counseling of any kind, sits in his chair listening to horribly-depressing western music and "dwelling". He is CONVINCED that I have stolen my Mother's wedding rings, other jewelry, as well as paintings, etc. He tells me "You know, I talk to your Mom!", as if it will make me tell him the 'truth' about where her wedding rings are. None of this is true, of course, but I have felt frightened of the tone he takes with me over the phone. We live an hour apart. My husband is tired of it, and can't understand why it still bothers me. My children are bewildered and have lost respect for their grandfather, while missing him at the same time. My dad has told ANYONE who will listen to him that I have done these things. I have spoken with at least 3 people from their small town who are concerned about his behavior, one telling me: "We (my Mother's friends) are SO DISGUSTED with the way he has treated you and that he thinks this of you!!! JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM!!!" They have told me this can affect my family, and it has :( and that I need to just attend to my family and detach from him. One told me she thinks he has gone 'crazy'. They have told me that OF COURSE they do not believe these claims he has against me; I am the ONLY child who did anything for our Mother as she was dying. One friend's husband's owns a new & used gun shop in my dad's town and told me how my brother took my dad there to sell or pawn a gun---she seemed a little bit concerned or confused about the behavior. My eldest daughter mentioned today that her friend's father has 6 types of dementia and thinks his wife is cheating on him and that his daughters are all against him (WHAT THE HECK????) Can this be what is happening to my dad? I feel almost an evil feeling coming from him. He used trickery and deception to get me to go up to see him in Sept. 2011, 4 months after my Mom died so he could scream at me for an hour, accusing me of a ROSTER of things I haven't done. He tried again in December to get me to go up there but my husband got on the phone and told him he is not allowing me to go up there. My sister also advised me to stay away. Now, he is calling me again, using a creepy voice, then a soft voice, and wants my husband to 'bring me up there.' I know I sound paranoid, but what is the old joke: "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean everyone isn't against me." Can you tell me what I can advise my siblings to do at this point - they all blame me for his mental decline and I refuse to go to his house again, lest I get accused of more things. HELP!!!!!!! Rona


Posted on 2012/5/1 19:06




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