Don't know what to do...

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mary 

none Don't know what to do...

I am struggling with a major decision... here is a bit of history.

Mom has dementia, apparently has for several years. She drank quite heavily (somewhere around 4-5 manhatten's and 1 or 2 screwdrivers 7 days a week) unti a recent fall landed her in the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. She is 82 years old.

Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer approximately 2 months ago and has been mom's caregiver. He fell at the same time mom did when he tried to help her as she slipped and fell.

We recently learned of mom's dementia over the last year, but my parents were very private independent people and would keep any serious illness or problem to themselves. They were completely ambulatory, dad was driving and they went out for lunch and dinner every day.

Mom was injured and hospitalized for 5 days, and sent to physical rehab. Prior to her going her dr. told me that she could not return home, dad was failing fast due to the stress of trying to take care of her and mom not understanding that she should be taking care of him. She still let him care completely for her.

We had begun to talk with dad about assisted living that also had a memory care unit for mom and he agreed that it was time because his health was declining and he was exhausted from taking care of her. When we discussed it with mom, she thought it was dad having to get the care and we found a place where she could go too so she didn't have to be alone and could stay right with dad. (it was the truth, not a complete lie)

dad went into assisted living while mom was in physical rehab, he is currently back in the hospital and we just aren't sure right now what is going to happen with him.

Mom will be released from rehab in a couple of days and we just don't know what to do. The whole time she has been in rehab, she gets agitated that she is there, doesn't remember that she has to stay, and wonders why no one calls her, or comes to see her. we see her everyday and talk to her every day. She just wants to go someplace to have lunch and dinner and a manhatten. (she went through the physical withdrawal while in the hospital, with the help of the dr. and medication for it)

I just don't know what the right decision to do is right. Dad doesn't have long. We don't know where she should be, the dr. says in memory care, my heart says home, and m brain says that I can't care for her 24/7. She doesnt' admit she had medications that she takes, and she has an alcohol problem that I certainly am not qualified to handle. But I am still guilt laiden when she calls me from rehab asking where I am, and why haven't I picked her up to go home. I don't even think she remembers that she was going to go to the assisted living facility to be with dad. She doesnt' know he is back in the hospital right now, I don't know how she would react and then I know she wouldn't remember anyway. She doesnt' remember from the afternoon to a few hours later when she has even seen me.

I don't know how to do this, I don't know what to say to her. I just dont' know what is right, its' killing me inside!!!! I need some guidance. I am trying to plan it so mom and dad will be at the assisted living facility at the same time. The I struggle with maybe she needs to be in a facility that is a bit more controlled, if you can understand what I mean by that. The have been together for 60 years, is it better for her to be away from him now... I just dont know what the right thing to do is...

All of this has come to a head in a 2 week span. My head is spinning and I have to make a decision within a day or 2. How will I handle dad's passing when it comes with mom, should I bring my mom home and try to care for her, should I put her someplace... I had always told her that I would take care of her... I feel as if I am letting her down. she is going to hate me. She doesn't feel there is anything wrong with her. The dr. said she does and has been masking it for a long time.

I am so sorry this is so long, but this is a HUGE problem and a very complex problem. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.......


Posted on 2009/4/13 23:50




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