Re: another bad daughter

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From: Dallas
Posts: 262
These posts reflect the despair and anger that attend the difficulties of caring for someone with a "caustic personality." I imagine that it is much like living on a planet with two magnetic poles and having one's compass always twirling round and round, never being able to settle on one pole or the other. These kinds of poles, anger and sadness, expectation and internal need, the need for our own life versus the need to care for our own, often wreak havoc on our well-being, especially when we are caring for our family and they are so demanding. I think that both of you have captured the dilemma of such circumstances perfectly. There is no good or safe place. Even when our loved one is an ideal person, it is difficult to feel satisfied with the care we give. It is only made worse in these circumstances.

Is there advice we can give? I'm not sure we're in a place where we can give advice... Whatever we say might be intellectually accurate (taking care of yourself, watching boundaries, etc), but probably feel empty to those who are going through such painful experiences. What we can say, as Barb already said, is to let you know that you're not going crazy, that your experience is normal for the circumstances as you describe them, and that you are blessed for carrying such a heavy load and trying to do the right thing by your family. No one is in any place to judge you, least of all those you are caring for. It is hard not to hear the voice of judgement from our family. I hope - we hope - that you hear our affirmation of your care and your attempts to be there. Please know that whatever gifts you give to your loved one are a choice - you can and could abandon them (not saying you should - but just an acknowledgement that people do - by choice - abandon their loved ones all the time for no reason at all).

But, you choose to be there. I hope you will affirm the choice you make to care for them each and every day. You could decide NOT to make that choice on any given day. Perhaps availing yourselves of that right, just as a reminder, would be a helpful thing to them and to you - to them as a "teaching aide" - and to you as an opportunity to care for yourselves.

Well, I have to get to work. Take care and continue to share your thoughts, positive or negative, on this subject. What helps to hear and what doesn't.

Posted on 2006/10/30 9:46

<strong><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="color:#990000;">For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.<br /><br />--H.L. Mencken</span></span></strong> <img src="

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