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Posted by: arlene Posted on: 2001/6/16 19:19
I am hurting so bad watching my mother hurt.
I am a nurse and I can't protect her anymore.
I don't think she is dying only suffering. I want so much for it to either go away or just let her die. I feel like I am being swollowed by blackness. It is like a web that has me and there is no way out. I do a lot of self-caring stuff. Everything gives me a respite for awhile, but then it all creeps back into my consciousness. I am alone in my caregiving. My brother is supportive but out of town. There is no one else to share her bedside vigil. She is severely depressed with her blindness and other physical discomforts. I watch her crumbling before me and all I can do is feel sad,mad, and bad for her. She is 84, weak and vulnerable. I am 55 and feel like I am not living. I only react to her needs and condition in the moment. I am tired although I sleep enough hours. I am not hungry dispite frequent missed meals. I know how to take care of myself, but it feels like I have disappeared. I have many supportive friends and many resources to help get me through this. I wish one of them could tell me when this is going to end. Writing like this gives me comfort. thanks !!!!!!